211 funny bed quotes - Wordgag

Now that the nights are getting cooler again, spiders often hide in your bed in search of warmth. Sleep well!

May 23, 2026

Whoever said it was okay to let your pets sleep in your bed, thanks a lot, now my goldfish is dead.

May 23, 2026

I can’t stop thinking about how a tanning bed really turns you into the human version of a gas station hot dog.

May 23, 2026

I wish my midlife crisis made me want to get a gym membership and a revenge body, but instead I’m eating Snickers for breakfast in bed.

May 23, 2026

That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own.

May 23, 2026

I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.

May 23, 2026

Never go to bed angry. Stay up and finish the argument like an adult.

May 23, 2026

I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed.

May 23, 2026

I set my alarms extra early to make sure I have enough time to lay in bed and be angry about having to wake up.

May 23, 2026

So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed.

May 23, 2026

Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.

May 23, 2026

My favorite part of The Godfather is when the guy wakes up and screams because the Mafia has stolen the bottom half of the horse he keeps in his bed.

May 23, 2026

One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?

May 23, 2026

The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.

May 23, 2026

The possibility of monsters residing underneath your bed is negated when the mattress is positioned on the floor.

May 22, 2026

Keeping a picture of my bed in a locket around my neck and staring at it longingly on my lunch break.

May 22, 2026

Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.

May 22, 2026

I toss and turn in bed all night like a beautiful rotisserie chicken.

May 22, 2026

Trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you.

May 22, 2026

In the morning: Tired! At lunchtime: Tired! In the evening: Tired! In bed: “Everybody dance now!”

May 22, 2026

Getting out of bed should count as resistance training.

May 22, 2026

There are people that make their bed every morning and people who think it’s a waste of time, and then they marry each other.

May 22, 2026

Don’t wait until you’re on your death bed to let them know how you feel. You may be too weak to raise your middle finger.

May 22, 2026

I miss my kids the most when they go to bed and the mosquitoes go after me because they have no other options.

May 22, 2026

No one is more surprised than my kids every night when I say it’s bed time.

May 22, 2026

“I can’t wait to go back to bed tonight!” Me, 5 minutes after waking up.

May 22, 2026

An escape room, but it’s a bean bag chair in a hammock on a water bed in a bouncy house and you’re over 40. Good luck!

May 22, 2026

I deliberately don’t go to bed early. I don’t want to look like I could be useful for anything the next day.

May 22, 2026

Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up on the couch.

May 21, 2026

I wish I was as tired in bed at night as I am after lunch at work.

May 21, 2026

I called the cops on my own party once because I was ready to go to bed.

May 21, 2026

Being an adult is mumbling ‘this is stupid’ as you reluctantly slide out of bed.

May 21, 2026

Both my wife and my doctor said no more jumping on the bed. But they don’t get it. They don’t know what it’s like to live with the Monkey Instinct.

May 21, 2026

One day there will be condoms with Bluetooth that tell you whether you’re good in bed, how many calories you’ve burned and when the next train leaves.

May 21, 2026

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” Yeah, because I won’t be leaving my bed.

May 21, 2026

I used to look for monsters under the bed. Today I know they are behind some people’s fake smiles.

May 21, 2026

Date idea: We watch Breaking Bad and break your bed.

May 21, 2026

If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.

May 21, 2026

Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk.

May 21, 2026

Monsters can’t hide under my bed. That’s where my cats have their fight club.

May 21, 2026