Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.

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Not to brag but I always pick the slowest moving checkout line at the grocery store.

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Okay, seen enough, someone put a blanket over my cage.

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I think God was high when he made me.

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I hope your day is as nice as my ass.

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My neighbor is having some kind of party and didn’t invite me. I guess I have to call the cops again.

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Working on my harmonica skills so those around me can both hear and feel my depression.

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The person who invented butter really understood humans.

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Googled my symptoms and it turns out it’s just the politics.

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If you’re happy and you know it, keep it to yourself. No one likes a braggart.

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If I ever look at my phone in the middle of a conversation with you, I’m not reading a text; I’m just looking up the definition of a word I just used a bit too confidently.