Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her. Posted on11 hours ago
That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit. Posted on15 hours ago
Remember when you were a kid, you slept on the couch and without saying anything you found yourself in your bed. Now you sleep in your bed and if you say anything, you end up on the couch. Posted on17 hours ago
I have found that there is usually a lot of day left at the end of my patience. Posted on24 hours ago
Donuts have holes in them, just like acoustic guitars, but that’s pretty much where the similarities end. Posted on1 day ago
I could never work in an aquarium. I would have a penguin under my shirt at the end of the shift. Posted on1 day ago
Socks try to be monogamous but most end up either single or having multiple different partners. Posted on1 day ago
Most meetings end with the conclusion that everything needs to be discussed in another meeting. Posted on2 days ago
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk. Posted on2 days ago
Socks try to be monogamous, but most end up either single or having multiple different partners. Posted on2 days ago
Sorry for levitating at the end of your bed all night, I just think you’re really cute. Posted on2 days ago
I like to push myself out of my comfort zone by sometimes sitting on the other end of my sofa. Posted on2 days ago
You don’t know your own leg strength until you’re kicking the end of a hotel tucked bed sheet. Posted on2 days ago
They should remove the sex scenes from movies and then put them all into one big super sex scene movie they can show in theaters at the end of the year. Posted on2 days ago
At bedtime, I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day. Posted on3 days ago
I wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes. Posted on4 days ago
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy. High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end. Posted on4 days ago
I end all my sentences with “Just saying..” because ending them with “You bonehead..” would probably be considered offensive. Posted on4 days ago
I don’t want to end this year on bad terms with anybody. Could you please apologize to me? Posted on5 days ago