Roses are red. I’m going to bed.

Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?

My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.

Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch, or a vacation, or just going to work in general.

When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.

Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than going to a garage makes you a car.

I’m just going to flip this omelette… Okay, we’re having scrambled eggs.

And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.

Instead of getting married again, I’m going to find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.

The History Channel, because where else are you going to learn about how aliens were instrumental in the development of humanity?

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.

Instead of calling it the John I’m going to start calling my bathroom the Jim. That way I can say I go to the Jim every morning.

I’m going to hell in every religion.

Listen, before I had my coffee I didn’t know how awesome I was going to be today either.

Me drinking green tea: this is going to fix everything.

I’m going to be a printer today and just not work.

If you’re going through hell, keep going.

The only way the climate is going to change is if it first admits it has a problem, there’s really nothing we can do.