9154 Funny humor quotes

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  5 months ago

  View →: I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Can I sell my feelings on ebay, I don’t want them anymore.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Last night the Internet stopped working so I spent a few hours with my family. They seem like good people.
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  5 months ago

  View →: I love sarcasm. It’s like punching people in the face, but with words.
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  5 months ago

  View →: My brain has too many tabs open.
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  5 months ago

  View →: I didn’t like my beard at first… then it grew on me.
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  5 months ago

  View →: My tattoo means that I can’t be trusted with $200.
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  5 months ago

  View →: I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
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  5 months ago

  View →: I need a reasonable job. Something like $3,000 an hour. Nothing too wild.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
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  5 months ago

  View →: I’m so cold, I wish I could get in the dryer.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Me, gently telling my kids that I ate the rest of the ice cream: Your dad ate the rest of the ice cream.
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  5 months ago

  View →: If you like water, you already like 72% of me.
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  5 months ago

  View →: When your children are teenagers, it’s important to have a dog so that someone in the house is happy to see you.
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  5 months ago

  View →: If at first you don’t succeed then skydiving definitely isn’t for you.
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  5 months ago

  View →: The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
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  5 months ago

  View →: If nothing lasts forever, will you be my nothing?
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  5 months ago

  View →: Perks of dating me: you will be the hot one.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Shoutout to the friends that still like me. All two of you.
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  5 months ago

  View →: When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence.
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  5 months ago

  View →: My morning routine includes 10 minutes of sitting on my bed and thinking about how tired I am.
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  5 months ago

  View →: I want to be so rich that when I see a spider in my house I won’t kill it, I’d buy another house.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Don’t study, get slutty!
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  5 months ago

  View →: One day we will tell our grandkids how far we had to scroll to get to the recipe.
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  5 months ago

  View →: I just finally discovered what’s wrong with my brain: on the left side there is nothing right and on the right side, there is nothing left.
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  5 months ago

  View →: I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.
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  5 months ago

  View →: 4 out 3 people struggle with math.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Prophecy class has been cancelled due to unforeseen circumstances.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Honestly, shopping beats therapy, anytime. It costs the same and you get a dress out of it.
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  5 months ago

  View →: My goal was to look good in a bikini this summer, but the call of the barbecue is stronger.

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