If she has Bukowski on her nightstand, she will devour you.

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I’m just impressed by how ugly I’m willing to look in public these day.

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I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.

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If you think about it, Santa really has the best job, he works one day a year and spends the rest of his time judging people.

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I enjoy long, romantic walks … to the departure gate.

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I need a room full of mirrors, so I can be surrounded by losers.

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The only recipes they have online are where I’m the one who’s supposed to buy all this stuff and then make it. That’s not what I’m looking for.

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Helpful police officer reminded me he’s the one asking the questions.

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I’ve got to start taking better care of myself. Tomorrow I’ll walk to the liquor store.

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My body is like an elastic band – no matter how I stretch it, it goes back to the nap position.

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Girls will be like “it’s fine” then start drawing a pentagram in blood on their floorboards.