If someone asks why you’re so pale, simply reply, completely shocked, “You can see me?”

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Whales go days, sometimes weeks at a time without giving anyone their opinion.

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If you’re going to stare all night and not say hello, do you mind taking your fingers and squishing my head from across the room?

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“Left alone” would have been the right answer as a child to the question of what I wanted to be when I grew up.

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When your kids embarrass you in public, the only way out is to turn away in disgust and mutter loudly, “Who raised you?”

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Today’s book recommendation: “The Art of Silence” by the famous Chinese philosopher Shut-Up.

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Life always has it’s ups and downs. I like to up the music, down the drinks, and then relax and enjoy.

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Some days you’re the shit and some days you’re the fan.

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In the event of a water landing, place the life jacket over your head and swipe your credit card to inflate.

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If you see me sad, just hug me and put some money in my pocket.

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I was actually a little too thankful yesterday so today I’m going to even it out with some ungratefulness and entitlement.