I’m like if a birthday card with no money inside was a person.

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Maybe if we all sit extremely still, Monday won’t be able to see us.

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I don’t have a welcome mat at my front door because I’m not a liar.

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One thing I love about the internet is seeing some of the most hateful people posting inspirational quotes.

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Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.

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Brain, I know you’re trying hard, but you are not doing a good job.

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Who would have thought that eating a can of beans would backfire like this?

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At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.

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Getting out of a sports bra looks like it should be a professional women’s sport.

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They should make a movie that’s good the whole way through.

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A girl was coming over till she wasn’t—that’s what happened.