Commentary:
Navigating the dating scene after 40 feels like entering a thrift store where every "new" arrival needs a serious sniff test! 😅🛍️🕵️♀️
236 Funny comparison quotes
You get your hands on a real serious pair of scissors and wonder what the hell they were doing with the regular ones.
Commentary:
When you level up from Fisher-Price to Edward Scissorhands! ✂️😂✂️
Sometimes I think the subway rat is doing better than me. He has a routine, a social circle, and knows where to find the best pizza.
Commentary:
Why do I feel like that rat has its life more together than I do? 🍕🐀🏆
Pizza crusts go uneaten, but people will devour an entire pan of breadsticks.
Commentary:
Sounds like pizza crusts need a rebranding team! 😄🍕🥖
Checking Twitter now is like staring into your refrigerator to see if anything good has magically appeared.
Commentary:
Guess I'm just hoping for a Michelin-starred tweet to show up in this empty fridge of doom! 🐦🔍✨
“I’ve had cigarettes that were better than entire years of my life.”
Commentary:
Sounds like your future memoir title should be "2020: The Year That Really Needed a Cigarette Break" 🚬😂📅
The difference between me and Superman is that he has super vision, and I need supervision.
Commentary:
Looks like I might need a sidekick called 'Adult Supervision Man' to keep me out of trouble! 😂🦸♂️🔍
Can’t say “I’m tired” without my mom making it a competition of who is the most tired and who has more reason to be.
Commentary:
Sounds like the Tired Olympics are in full swing at your house! 🏆😴😂
The first thing you need to know about social media is that everyone’s on vacation, except for you.
Commentary:
Looks like I missed the memo and the margarita! 🍹🏖️ Guess I'm stuck here holding down the fort. 🏢😅
Avocado toast at a cafe: $10. Avocado toast from Uber Eats: $25. Avocado toast made at home: $550 (my labor is worth $115 a minute).
Commentary:
When you're a master chef in your own kitchen and somehow broke at the same time 🥑💸👩🍳.