70 funny birthday quotes - Wordgag

If you were the birthday gift I bought my wife some months ago, where would you be hiding?

May 23, 2026

That moment of panic when they invite you inside at the start of the birthday party you thought was a drop off.

May 23, 2026

I hope you celebrate your birthday like your birth – naked and screaming.

May 23, 2026

Kinda messed up that the government knows my birthday but never sends me a gift or anything.

May 22, 2026

One year older today, and still no closer to growing up.

May 22, 2026

Men: Masters of multitasking – can watch sports, ignore laundry, and forget your birthday, all at once.

May 22, 2026

So apparently it’s still a DUI even if you’re the birthday boy.

May 22, 2026

Age is just a number… that now takes a really long time to scroll to.

May 22, 2026

I know I’m almost 40 because I had a few drinks last night and woke up this morning thinking: Oh no I bought so many socks online last night.

May 22, 2026

Researchers have discovered that birthdays are healthy. People who have more grow older.

May 22, 2026

At my age, you check a friend’s Facebook page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.

May 22, 2026

It’s amazing, when it’s your birthday you really feel the love from family, friends, lovers, former dentists, yoga studios and various smootheries.

May 22, 2026

If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.

May 21, 2026

My co-workers found out when my birthday is so now I need to find a new job.

May 21, 2026

These days, I only use Facebook as a birthday calendar.

May 21, 2026

Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 60-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.

May 21, 2026

If you were the birthday gift I bought my daughter 3 months ago, where would you be hiding?

May 21, 2026

I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.

May 21, 2026

99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much”.

May 21, 2026

When I was a kid I would say I’m whatever age and a half because I wanted to be older. Now I say I turned 40 a few years ago.

May 20, 2026

If you want to be sure that you never forget your wife’s birthday, just try forgetting it once.

May 20, 2026

Birthday sex is having sex to celebrate your parents having sex.

May 20, 2026

Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.

May 20, 2026

That awkward moment when you spend an hour online picking out a gift for your friend’s son’s birthday and Amazon tells you it’s been a year since you bought this item.

May 20, 2026

I eat cake because it’s somebody’s birthday somewhere.

May 20, 2026

I’m a big believer in not going to work on your birthday!

May 20, 2026

Only at 27 do you become old, and then when you turn 30, you become younger than ever. That’s just how it goes.

May 19, 2026

Your birthday as an adult mainly consists of texting back ‘Thanks!’ to people you haven’t talked to in 5 years.

May 19, 2026

Gonna eat birthday cake all day because it’s someone’s birthday out there, and we’re about to celebrate together, stranger.

May 19, 2026

I actually do check to see if you told me happy birthday before I tell you.

May 19, 2026

“Inconvenience is the cost of community,” I repeat to myself as I climb six flights of stairs for my friend’s birthday party for her cat.

May 19, 2026

Manipulative birthday text to an ex idea: thank you for loving me briefly in the way that only you could.

May 19, 2026

Hate when I view someone’s story, and it’s their birthday.

May 18, 2026

Why do men have birthdays? It’s not like they’re growing up.

May 18, 2026

Buying something nice for myself, cuz today would’ve been my birthday if I was born today.

May 18, 2026

Life hack: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.

Apr 1, 2026

If I had a wife, I’d text her things like, ‘What’s your full name?’ and ‘When’s your birthday?’

Apr 1, 2026

It’s so embarrassing when attention seekers feel the need to tell everybody it’s their birthday in, like, every conversation, which, for me, would be today, by the way.

Apr 1, 2026

25 is the new 0 years old.

Apr 1, 2026

I can’t keep up anymore. Happy birthday to everyone for the rest of your life.

Apr 1, 2026