I’m not ready to adopt a highway, I can barely raise my own driveway.

27 shares on Twitch this month:

I’ve got a neighbor who’s really into morons. I should introduce her to you guys.

48 shares on Snapchat this month:

Everything is awful, and no one is going to save you from this treacherous world. Oops, I mean, happy Friday!

88 shares on Discord this month:

Canadians are nice because they’re close to Santa.

61 shares on YouTube this month:

In a room full of art, I’d still stare at you.

50 shares on Telegram this month:

“You shouldn’t let your cat jump on the counter”, my cat could take out a loan in my name if he wanted to.

87 shares on LinkedIn this month:

Every citizen over 18 should be eligible to be drafted into the Postal Service.

44 shares on Facebook this month:

At my size, I’d be called Buffet the Vampire Slayer.

53 shares on TikTok this month:

The audacity of someone being in the store aisle I want to go down.

80 shares on Messenger this month:

When someone loses something, I like to ask helpful questions like ‘Where did you last see it?’ and ‘Where did you put it?’ and ‘Where is it?’

74 shares on Messenger this month:

It’s so cold outside I saw a gangster pull his pants up and walk stiffly.