Mama didn’t raise no fool, I turned into one all on my own.

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I was told to be more optimistic so I’ve decided french fries aren’t bad for me.

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I’m thinking stuff like “yeah” and also stuff like “yup.”

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I hate when people tell me I need to “get out of my comfort zone,” like I don’t even have a comfort zone; I am literally always uncomfortable.

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I’m not your dream woman. I am the sudden shouting of ravens that you hear when you enter a part of the forest you shouldn’t have.

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I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.

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If “live each day as if it’s your last” means being paralyzed with anxiety and a sense of impending doom, then I am absolutely nailing it.

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I wonder how much time The Weeknd saves not typing that extra e.

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Hear me out, a Q-Tip that doesn’t bounce out the trash can when you throw it away.

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I may forget what I opened the fridge for but I remember every time anyone has ever wronged me.

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Now that I’m in my mid-forties, I think I’ll take up parkour.