My first mistake of my life was my birth.

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My dating checklist is down to “not the Unabomber”.

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I only sleep so my phone can get the night off.

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If humanity is so smart, how come it took thousands of years after the wheel was invented for someone to put them on a suitcase?

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My phone is on Do Not Disturb because I am disturbed enough as it is.

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If you want to complain about my driving at least calm down and get off my hood first.

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I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.

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It’s freezing cold outside and my polar bear won’t start.

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“Autism didn’t exist until recently!” Have you met old guys who work in hardware stores?

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Armed robbers are so weird. Why are you beating me when I don’t have money?

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I often choose gift bags instead of wrapping, not just out of laziness, but also because I have the fine motor skills of a drunken panda.