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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇸🇻 has shared:

Dress for the demons you want, not the demons you have.

Someone from 🇧🇧 has bookmarked:

I do not support all women. Some of you are very mean for no reason.

Someone from 🇬🇶 has bookmarked:

As a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends. As an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.

Someone from 🇱🇻 has copied:

Big fan of calling artists their first name and then the band name as their last name.

Someone from 🇷🇺 has bookmarked:

Insomnia sharpens your math skills because you spend all night calculating how much sleep you’ll get if you’re able to ‘fall asleep right now.’

Someone from 🇲🇿 has shared:

Autumn is when men run around like it’s summer and women like it’s winter.

Someone from 🇪🇬 has viewed:

It’s awesome when people honk at you for not moving when you’re letting people cross. You’re right, bro, I should just annihilate this family of four.

Someone from 🇧🇼 has shared:

Petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.

Someone from 🇮🇷 has copied:

Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would.

Someone from 🇸🇨 has bookmarked:

Ever since I was a little girl, I knew I wanted to annoy the shit out of a beautiful man for the rest of my life.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

Funny Quotes Topics

17,766

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15,753

Updated

Jan 31, 2026

Users Online

3,637

Social Media Log 💫

Just landed via Telegram:

Cats are the best authoritarians. You will do their bidding, and you will like it.

Seen just now on Twitch:

The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet.

Seen just now on LinkedIn:

You get to a certain age and realize stretching is non-negotiable.

Shared recently on Discord:

At the Pride and Prejudice showing booing whenever Prejudice comes on screen.

Making waves on Slack:

Post-standing clarity is like, damn, I could have been sitting this whole time.

Spotted on Reddit:

Maybe Monday is more scared of us than we are of it… we don’t know.

Broadcasted on WhatsApp:

My bad for thinking everyone has common sense.

Just landed via LinkedIn:

Mercury retrograde: because adulting is hard, and sometimes you just need a celestial excuse.

Going viral on LinkedIn:

Be gentle with me, I’m from the 1900s.

Shared recently on Twitch:

They’re calling me the unemployee of the month.

My ideal man is a kindhearted little freak.

4 weeks ago

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Sounds like you’re looking for a unicorn that moonlights as a stand-up comedian 🦄🎤

freak, humor, ideal, ideal man, kindhearted, little, man, personality, relationship

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71 shares on Reddit this month:

At a job interview: think of me as the rightful heir to the throne.

25 shares on WeChat this month:

Why do babies cry when they are tired? Like, just go to sleep, bro, no one is stopping you.

83 shares on Discord this month:

My problem is, I wanna be the only one at the gym when I go.

63 shares on Twitch this month:

Things I don’t want in my future house: An angry man.

53 shares on Snapchat this month:

When I’m president, I will add an additional hour between 6 and 7pm.

18 shares on Snapchat this month:

Me: God, please stop giving me your toughest battles. God: You just have to empty the dishwasher.

16 shares on Twitch this month:

Welcome to adulthood: you’re not hungover, it’s just Tuesday.

92 shares on TikTok this month:

The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.

11 shares on Instagram this month:

Being liked at work comes with so many perks, you could be late as hell, and everyone is just happy to see you.

47 shares on Discord this month:

I may not understand women, but cheeseburgers have never sent me mixed signals, and for that they’ll always have my heart.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇧🇧 has viewed:

Abandoned amusement parks are so creepy. It’s no wonder they were abandoned.

Someone from 🇧🇴 has downloaded:

Late replies don’t bother me. As long as we’re not in love, or you don’t owe me money, take your time.

Someone from 🇿🇲 has shared:

“Stop recording everything and just enjoy the moment” is asking me for videos from last night.

Someone from 🇪🇪 has viewed:

Mid-life crisis? No, no, mid-day crisis. Something happens every day.

Someone from 🇧🇭 has shared:

Hiring a mortician to do my makeup while I sleep.

Someone from 🇧🇾 has downloaded:

Jury duty is a wild concept. Whenever the government wants, they can just be like “Call off work, bestie, we need you to solve a murder. Here’s fifteen dollars.”

Someone from 🇿🇼 has copied:

Finally got around to emptying the vegetable drawer of the fridge before something started its independence movement in there.

Someone from 🇻🇨 has bookmarked:

If she says “you are my world” remember there are other planets. Stay alert, kings!

Someone from 🇿🇦 has copied:

The next time someone texts me “we need to talk,” I’ll reply, “Yes, we really need to talk,” so that I won’t be the only one stressing.

Someone from 🇸🇿 has bookmarked:

Give it to me straight, doc, what can I do to be healthier besides changing my entire lifestyle?

Social Media Log 💫

Spotted on YouTube:

Fall in love? I can barely fall asleep.

Seen just now on Threads:

“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life.” Yeah, because I won’t be leaving my bed.

Going bananas on YouTube:

“I don’t do politics.” Politics will do you, my brother and sister. Politics will do you like mad.

Seen just now on Messenger:

Stop blaming everyone for all of your problems. Pick the one person you really hate and blame them for everything.

Seen just now on Pinterest:

Another day of waking up cute instead of wealthy, so I guess I have to go to work.

Just landed via Facebook:

I find it sad that my universal remote does not control the universe. Not even remotely.

Just landed via Telegram:

I always carry a knife with me in case I run into someone with 10,000 spoons.

Just shared via TikTok:

“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.

Broadcasted on Twitch:

Most men will receive their first bunch of flowers at their funeral.

Broadcasted on Slack:

You ever feel awkward in Target, cause you know you belong at Walmart.

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Activity Log ✨

My ideal man is a kindhearted little freak.

Don’t think my brain is braining properly today.

If your name is “Guy”, you have lazy parents.

How dare this person in traffic hold me up for seconds on the way to a place that doesn’t require my immediate presence?

I feel like I’ve skipped the whole ‘go out and have fun’ stage and went straight to being an 80-year-old woman.

I assume my soulmate has sold his soul to the devil.

Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.

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Activity Log ✨

My ideal man is a kindhearted little freak.

Keep the laugh going 😂

Don’t think my brain is braining properly today.

If your name is “Guy”, you have lazy parents.

How dare this person in traffic hold me up for seconds on the way to a place that doesn’t require my immediate presence?

I feel like I’ve skipped the whole ‘go out and have fun’ stage and went straight to being an 80-year-old woman.

I assume my soulmate has sold his soul to the devil.

Frodo is a beautiful name for a boy. Has a ring to it.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨