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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇨🇻 has shared:

I don’t think humans were put on this earth to know what Salesforce is. It’s unnatural.

Someone from 🇮🇱 has copied:

This gratitude journal looks a lot like a grocery list.

Someone from 🇾🇪 has downloaded:

Did 900 crunches today. It was a bag of Cheetos, but still.

Someone from 🇯🇲 has downloaded:

Just once I’d like my dog to give me a treat.

Someone from 🇯🇵 has viewed:

Watching my wife absolutely hate my daughter’s boyfriend while being nice and hospitable to him has made me question every interaction I’ve had with another human being in my life.

Someone from 🇧🇫 has shared:

I don’t have a favourite person, but I do have a favourite cheese.

Someone from 🇲🇱 has downloaded:

Note to self: Very important! First hang up, then insult.

Someone from 🇫🇯 has copied:

I wish I was as tired in bed at night as I am after lunch at work.

Someone from 🇸🇩 has bookmarked:

I have never in my life learned from another person’s mistakes, I would literally let a giant wooden horse into my house right this second.

Someone from 🇵🇦 has bookmarked:

My Saturday was going pretty well until I realized it was Sunday.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,752

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Updated

Jan 20, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Just shared via Twitch:

AI could never replace me, you can’t put this much self-loathing into a machine.

Just landed via LinkedIn:

I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.

Spotted on WeChat:

I bought a robot vacuum today. Named it “Dustbin Bieber”.

Making waves on Snapchat:

Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the first twelve digits of pi.

Broadcasted on Twitch:

The gap in my resume is because I was trying to reach enlightenment for 5 years.

Spotted on WhatsApp:

Human hibernation should be a thing.

Seen just now on Snapchat:

I’ll marry the person who can go to a family event with me and still like me afterward.

Going viral on Telegram:

Live now on Twitch:

I wanna be a villain so I can just saunter everywhere. The heroes are always sprinting, always running. You ever seen Darth Vader run? Hell no. And I ain’t about to either.

Live now on Snapchat:

Need a book club for people who all just happened to read the same book but hated it and now need to vent.

My superpower is keeping this couch cushion warm.

3 weeks ago

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Master of the Couch Chronicles: Rise of the Cushion Warmer! 🛋️🔥🍕

couch, cushion, humor, keeping, laziness, relaxation, superpower, warm

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86 shares on TikTok this month:

Is it just me, or does anybody else get excited about cancelling plans?

31 shares on TikTok this month:

There’s an app for the people who say they’re not seeking some form of validation here. It’s called a diary.

23 shares on Snapchat this month:

I am such a fun person and so easy to get along with as long as the layout I have secretly imagined for the entire day goes exactly as I planned it without variation or interruption.

94 shares on Pinterest this month:

I am AOL Instant Messenger years old.

37 shares on YouTube this month:

Girls actually do love nice guys. It’s just that you’re not as nice a guy as you think you are…

92 shares on Slack this month:

I have an addiction to pattern recognition.

46 shares on Facebook this month:

Not all angels are in heaven, me for example, I’m at work.

99 shares on Telegram this month:

Make your salad taste better by putting it between bread, meat, cheese, and Big Mac sauce.

35 shares on Facebook this month:

Revenge? No. I just post hot selfies and let the algorithm do God’s work.

56 shares on Reddit this month:

Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇻🇨 has viewed:

First you’re cringe, then you’re the blueprint.

Someone from 🇯🇴 has copied:

You should be allowed to leave work early if you are really in love.

Someone from 🇬🇷 has shared:

My most boomer belief is that you can often get a malfunctioning appliance to work again by slapping it.

Someone from 🇬🇧 has downloaded:

Wait. We’re now turning plants into burgers? Haven’t cows been doing that like, forever.

Someone from 🇶🇦 has bookmarked:

If my toddler doesn’t sleep again tonight, I’m running away into the forest.

Someone from 🇳🇵 has downloaded:

I like my Jims slim and my chances fat.

Someone from 🇯🇵 has bookmarked:

If ads were a person, it would be that one neighbor who won’t stop talking to you at the most inconvenient of times.

Someone from 🇸🇧 has copied:

Forever grateful that thought bubbles aren’t a real thing.

Someone from 🇿🇲 has viewed:

How do I get recruited by a cult? I need some direction in my life.

Someone from 🇲🇻 has downloaded:

Excuse me, can you direct me to the nonsense?

Social Media Log 💫

Freshly posted on Telegram:

I need a job where I don’t actually have to work.

Just shared via Threads:

White elephant: Nothing brings people together like fighting over absolute garbage.

Just landed via Instagram:

All roads lead to disappointment.

Going viral on Messenger:

My favorite pirate song is “Aye of the Tiger”

Just shared via Instagram:

I’m so embarrassed by the paragraphs I used to send expressing my feelings.

Shared recently on X:

I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?

Going bananas on WhatsApp:

When I was in elementary school, we learned about a shape called a rhombus, and that was the last time I ever heard about that shape ever again.

Freshly posted on WhatsApp:

Always be kind. You never know who has subscriptions to your favorite streaming apps.

Live now on LinkedIn:

My favorite thing to do at the gym is stay home and eat a piece of cake.

Shared recently on Instagram:

Dear algorithm, please show this post only to people who have innate psionic abilities and would use their abilities for the betterment of humanity if given a chance.

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Activity Log ✨

My superpower is keeping this couch cushion warm.

If I was a microplastic, I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.

The question “how is work” really pisses me off. Work is work, bro, I don’t know what else you want me to say.

Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.

I want time to sit and read, take a nap and snack. Basically, I want to be in Kindergarten.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

My superpower is keeping this couch cushion warm.

Keep the laugh going 😂

If I was a microplastic, I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.

The question “how is work” really pisses me off. Work is work, bro, I don’t know what else you want me to say.

I hate when people are outside when I’m trying to parallel park. I need some privacy.

Tornadoes are the most relaxing things in the news.

I want time to sit and read, take a nap and snack. Basically, I want to be in Kindergarten.

I’m chronically online in a different and more sophisticated way than you are.

Social Media Stars ⭐

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