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"Watch out world, we got a bookworm on the loose! 📚🐛 Who knew a tiny piece of plastic could instigate such a powerful transformation? Don't mess with someone who's armed with knowledge and overdue fines! 😄📖 #LibraryCardRevolution"

books, card, differently, humor, i, library, library card, moving, moving differently, reading, self-improvement

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I’m a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

2 months ago
ambition, body, conflict, desire, humor, laziness, person, sleep, things, trapped
I’ve never met a problem I couldn’t turn into a disaster.

1 month ago
disaster, failure, humor, i, irony, met, never, problem, turn
November should have one more day. Just because to me November 31st sounds real. And also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow.

1 month ago
31st, calendar, day, humor, i, just, me, November, pay, procrastination, real, rent, should, sounds, tomorrow, want
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”

1 month ago
adventure, adventurer, doorbell, humor, little, sign, think, think twice, twice, warning
Husband said he only wants to allow our kids to watch Looney Tunes and nothing else because of the “moral lessons”.

1 month ago
cartoons, else, entertainment, humor, husband, kids, lesson, lessons, looney, Looney Tunes, moral, moral lesson, nothing, only, parenting, said, tunes, wants, watch
I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.

1 month ago
accidentally, embarrassing, God, Gord, humor, i, lord, mix-up, mixed, prayed, religion

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Lazy is such an ugly word. I prefer to call it selective participation.

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The lion is actually pretty concerned right now.

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You’ll never realize how crazy you really are until you fall in love.

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I don’t want your hoodie, I want your still-beating heart presented to me in a box.

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Don’t you hate it when you buy veggies and when you get them home you realize they’re donuts?

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It’s okay to admit you want my lips on yours.

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I don’t care if my parents are disappointed in me, I’m not impressed by them either.

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Now that I got a library card, I’m moving differently.

I’m a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

I’ve never met a problem I couldn’t turn into a disaster.

November should have one more day. Just because to me November 31st sounds real. And also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow.

A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”

Husband said he only wants to allow our kids to watch Looney Tunes and nothing else because of the “moral lessons”.

I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.

Trending Funny Quotes 📈

I never oversleep in the mornings. I set an alarm and a back-up alarm. Plus, there’s also a noisy kid once those fail.

Twitter is where the broken, the used, the fighters, and the lovers gather to appreciate the twisted beauty in one another.

I don’t think humans were put on this earth to know what Salesforce is. It’s unnatural.

I was brought up in the wild by hyenas. Times were hard, food was scarce but we had some great laughs.

Her: how are you still single? Me: it’s easier than you think.

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In these difficult times, it’s important to remember that cheese exists.

Things went well until the evil supermarket people hid my favorite products in new places.

As someone with OCD, I can’t help but respect how Pringles are just like, no, this is the order you must eat them in.

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I love reaching into my messy bag looking for something and everyone around me hears like glass breaking and bombs going off and a cat meowing from inside there.

Y’all are single because y’all are looking for 90’s love in this sick generation.

Stretching my back isn’t enough; I need to take out my spine and wring it out like a towel.

When I’m done eating… I have to show my hands to my cat, like I’m a blackjack dealer.

I’ve got a soft heart and a savage mouth. I’m like a Hallmark card written by Gordon Ramsay.

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

We’re all in the billionaire submarine now.

These days I just accept the website cookies without any protest. Website is like Grandma, I’m not gonna fight with you.

What do you mean a baguette isn’t a female bag?

Old Spice doesn’t sound like something you wanna smell.

Sometimes the universe puts you in the same situations again to see if you’re still an idiot.

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Now that I got a library card, I’m moving differently.

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I’m a person who wants to do a lot of things trapped in the body of a person who wants to sleep a lot.

I’ve never met a problem I couldn’t turn into a disaster.

November should have one more day. Just because to me November 31st sounds real. And also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow.

A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”

Husband said he only wants to allow our kids to watch Looney Tunes and nothing else because of the “moral lessons”.

I prayed and accidentally mixed up God and Lord and said Gord. So embarrassing.

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