Oh, sorry about bouncing my leg. I’m not allowed to slam my head into the walls anymore.

29 shares on Snapchat this month:

I hate to break it to you, guys, but my husband says you’re not real. He just called you my imaginary friends.

18 shares on Instagram this month:

If I were a bird, I know who I’d poop on.

13 shares on Threads this month:

I see no action figures, puzzles, or board games. I thought you said you wanted to play with me.

41 shares on Discord this month:

I think God’s next test for me should be, “Can he handle a ridiculous amount of money.”

34 shares on Messenger this month:

I don’t know who needs to hear this right now, but it’s time to fold the laundry that’s been lying around since last Sunday.

59 shares on Telegram this month:

Deleted all dating apps, instead I’m just going to walk into a grocery store and look confused.

35 shares on Twitch this month:

My sleep apnea was diagnosed at a staff meeting.

32 shares on Instagram this month:

Unlike men, women would immediately admit their mistakes if they had any.

45 shares on Reddit this month:

People out there having five-year plans, and here I am waking up just hoping I remember what day it is.

36 shares on Messenger this month:

Life is like a penis. Sometimes it’s up, sometimes it’s down. But it’s never hard forever.