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Someone from 🇵🇭 has bookmarked:

Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.

Someone from 🇩🇪 has copied:

I would like to be reincarnated as less tired.

Someone from 🇪🇹 has copied:

Be the reason why a count unleashes ancient horrors onto the world when he thinks of you.

Someone from 🇵🇬 has bookmarked:

Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything, but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.

Someone from 🇸🇧 has copied:

Can it still be an emotional support animal if the animal doesn’t want to participate? Asking for my cat.

Someone from 🇦🇱 has viewed:

I just love the lack of privacy in the pharmacy line. Just standing there shouting out my name, date of birth, and exactly what is wrong with me for the world to hear.

Someone from 🇸🇷 has viewed:

You okay, babe? You’ve hardly touched the promises you made me.

Someone from 🇨🇿 has copied:

Rich people go to parties. It’s what they do, and somehow we must all watch videos of it.

Someone from 🇺🇿 has viewed:

I’ve never met a cake I didn’t want to fork.

Someone from 🇪🇨 has downloaded:

Stop giving kids Bible names but no Bible lessons. Moses tried to rob me last night.

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Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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Social Media Log 💫

Shared recently on TikTok:

If your problem can’t be fixed by coffee, tequila or sex then I’m out of advice.

Just landed via Discord:

Once again, I was not nominated for an Oscar this morning for acting my way through life.

Trending via Telegram:

Your twenties are for working towards a life you later won’t want.

Breaking via YouTube:

Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.

Trending via Slack:

Adulthood – a never-ending story of shit you have to do.

Shared recently on Instagram:

Caveman: I just invented the wheel. Journalist: Here’s why the wheel is bad for humanity.

Seen just now on X:

Don’t come to my house unannounced. I will stare at you from my window.

Making waves on TikTok:

I used to sell furniture for a living. The trouble was, it was my own.

Seen just now on Threads:

Imagine giving someone your heart at Christmas, but the very next day they give it away. Haha, would feel so stupid.

Freshly posted on Threads:

Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.

Sorry, I had to cancel plans. The prophecy said so.

1 week ago

Funny Quotes

Humorous quote about canceling plans due to a humorous prophecy excuse.

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Commentary:
Looks like the stars aligned for some quality couch time 🔮🛋️✨

cancel, cancel plans, cancellation, excuse, humor, i, plans, prophecy, said, sorry

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95 shares on Threads this month:

I found a box of VHS tapes. I’m a bit nervous about the one that has the label torn off.

60 shares on Messenger this month:

How late is too late to still be lying in bed, naked, drinking coffee?

92 shares on Facebook this month:

It’s hard to sleep knowing that Coke is in the fridge.

65 shares on LinkedIn this month:

They say we learn from our mistakes, that’s why I’m making as many as possible. Soon I’ll be a genius.

14 shares on YouTube this month:

The struggle to get off the couch and into bed is real.

25 shares on Twitch this month:

To all of you who have never tried blindfold archery: You don’t know what you’re missing!

30 shares on Facebook this month:

Currently helping my husband look for his $20 I spent yesterday.

15 shares on WeChat this month:

My shadow quit because I’m too boring.

25 shares on Slack this month:

People my age are raising children, and I’m just here trying to bribe myself with treats into doing my own chores.

57 shares on Snapchat this month:

Being an adult is crazy. Because what the hell is going on?

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇲🇳 has shared:

My kids and I have this bit where I say something and they ignore me.

Someone from 🇰🇳 has downloaded:

Toasters aren’t governed by that little dial. They have free will.

Someone from 🇨🇴 has bookmarked:

“Turn down for what?” My ears, fella. My ears.

Someone from 🇩🇪 has copied:

My ducks: in a row. My elephant: addressed. My eggs: several baskets. My bigger fish: fried.

Someone from 🇮🇸 has downloaded:

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

Someone from 🇫🇷 has downloaded:

Is it cool if I come into your life and just never leave, like a stray cat?

Someone from 🇿🇼 has bookmarked:

Off to my crying appointment (therapy).

Someone from 🇩🇯 has shared:

No place in this world is as dark as my archived chats on WhatsApp.

Someone from 🇸🇦 has bookmarked:

Dear people who talk on speakerphone out in public. Everyone around you hates you.

Someone from 🇲🇬 has bookmarked:

I’m not like other teenagers, I’m 51.

Social Media Log 💫

Making waves on WeChat:

Stop blaming everyone for all your problems. Pick one person you hate and blame them for everything.

Trending via Twitch:

My Wi-Fi is stronger than my will to socialize.

Making waves on X:

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button.

Just shared via Reddit:

Hawk o the mornin tuah

Spotted on YouTube:

I have an emotional support chicken roasting in the oven.

Spreading quickly via Messenger:

It triggers the little girl in me when I feel like I’m not being listened to when I’m talking.

Just landed via Slack:

My New Year’s resolution is to emit a powerful beam of light.

Spotted on Telegram:

My New Year’s resolution is to be less presumptuous and rude to others. I’ll bet yours is to lose weight, isn’t it?

Trending via Telegram:

Some people don’t have a permanent handwriting. It depends on their mood and the pen they use.

Seen just now on TikTok:

I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.

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Activity Log ✨

Sorry, I had to cancel plans. The prophecy said so.

Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.

Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.

I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current.”

Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.

Breaking news: you’re way less interesting than you think you are.

A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would have happened if you had just listened to her.

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Activity Log ✨

Sorry, I had to cancel plans. The prophecy said so.

Keep the laugh going 😂

Vacation is a time when every part of you can relax except your bowels.

Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.

I’m at the age where I consider any picture of me taken in the last ten years “current.”

Just when you’ve built some confidence that you’re a smarter than average human, universe sends you captcha.

Breaking news: you’re way less interesting than you think you are.

A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would have happened if you had just listened to her.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

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