Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.

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That moment when you finish watching a TV series and you don’t know what to do with your life any more.

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It’s like 10,000 yawns when all you need is a nap.

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I be like, “Who’s praying on my downfall?” as if I don’t make self-destructive life decisions.

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Hell hath no fury like a sports bra being applied to a just showered but not 100% dry body.

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Was complaining to my mom about my daughter’s attitude and she told me I should’ve named her payback.

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When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.

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I cheat on my taxes by sleeping with other people’s taxes.

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Mayor of a small town is such a wild job. It’s like being the president of a country where you went to high school with the whole population.

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Sorry, but if you’re walking slower than me on the sidewalk, you’re my enemy. Walking faster than me? Also my enemy. Now if you’re walking at the same speed as me… hmm, yeah, I’m thinking enemy.

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My kids act like they’re afraid of monsters, when they are literally the most terrifying creatures I’ve ever met.