I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.

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If you bought 1 Bitcoin ten years ago, it would now be worth 1 Bitcoin. Let that sink in.

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It’s fun getting room service. I just love eating a $19 hamburger at a desk in front of a mirror.

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If I ever find out who stole my identity, I’ll pay all their debts and ruin their credit score just for fun.

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I need money, not feelings.

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Basically a lot of my problems boil down to me being really bad at waking up, and also really bad at going to sleep.

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I should have been a Librarian, my favorite thing to do is telling people to shut up.

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You’d think the heat and humidity would steam some of the wrinkles out of my body.

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Today is the Mondayest Thursday that has ever been mistaken for a Friday in the history of Wednesdays.

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You feel me? Bro, I haven’t felt anything since the Scholastic Book Fair.

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Damn, didn’t win the lottery. It’s messing up my budget plan.