26 funny murder quotes - Wordgag

Most people in your life will come and go but occasionally you’ll meet someone really special who makes you contemplate murder.

May 21, 2026

If I’m ever murdered, I don’t want two women with a podcast solving the case in their spare time.

May 21, 2026

Money is always a motive for murder. Stay broke.

May 21, 2026

You’d seriously think I was wanted for murder by the way I react when someone knocks on the door.

May 20, 2026

Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?

May 20, 2026

If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.

May 20, 2026

Someone from Facebook Marketplace is coming over to either buy the chairs I have for sale, or to murder me.

Apr 1, 2026

Killing with kindness is a murder by compliments.

Mar 31, 2026

If you pretend you’re erasing the evidence of a murder while cleaning the bathroom, you’ll do a better job, and it actually becomes fun!

Mar 31, 2026

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

Mar 28, 2026

Please solve a murder to prove you’re not a bot.

Mar 27, 2026

My greatest aspiration is to one day solve a murder on a train.

Mar 27, 2026

I wrote a book. It’s a murder mystery. You’re in it but only for the first couple of chapters.

Mar 27, 2026

If I ever went to jail for murder, it would be for murdering my printer.

Mar 26, 2026

Jury duty is a wild concept. Whenever the government wants, they can just be like “Call off work, bestie, we need you to solve a murder. Here’s fifteen dollars.”

Mar 26, 2026

If at first you don’t succeed, it’s only attempted murder.

Mar 26, 2026

If I’m ever murdered, feel comfort in knowing I ran my mouth until the bitter end.

Mar 26, 2026

Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here. Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s all that happens in small towns.

Mar 26, 2026

Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?

Mar 26, 2026

Like shark attacks on humans, it’s actually extremely rare. The majority of antique, porcelain headed dolls aren’t interested in murdering people.

Mar 26, 2026

Changed my bio on bumble to “I’m gonna murder ur whole family” and guys still responded.

Mar 26, 2026

A murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco.

Mar 25, 2026

The concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. Here’s our little murder doodler.

Mar 25, 2026

Even though he murders a lot of people, you can tell Freddie Kruger is a fun loving guy cause he goes by Freddie and not Fred or Frederick.

Mar 25, 2026

After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.

Mar 25, 2026

I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.

Mar 25, 2026