It’s unbelievable how much work goes into having a mid-physique and a relatively clean house.

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Satan: “Would you please stop sacrificing animals to me. I’m not running a zoo down here.”

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Signatures are so unserious, just “pinky promise” for adults. Write your name in a silly little way on this very important piece of paper so we that we can send you to jail if you do anything wrong.

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December. The month at work where everything is January’s problem.

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If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are.

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If reports from this daisy are accurate, she loves me not.

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I didn’t go to the Carribean, my tan is from standing in front of the rotisserie chicken at Costco.

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My sleeping pattern ain’t even a pattern anymore, it’s a freestyle that’s on shuffle.

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A baby cow is called a calf because it’s half a cow. Half cow. Calf. No further questions.

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Smoking will kill you. Bacon will kill you. Ironically, smoking bacon will cure it.

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I’m so single, even my husband won’t match with me on Tinder.