Bowling: The most fun you can have wearing someone else’s shoes.

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I lied, there’s no sex. Stand over there and tell me if this painting I’m hanging is straight.

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From now on, I’m gonna tell guests that I made my house especially messy just for their visit. It was hard, but I got it done.

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When Dr. Seuss wrote, “Oh, The Places You’ll Go,” he did not consider how comfortable my couch would be.

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Surround yourself with people who google the menu of the restaurant beforehand.

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Is it better to beat someone to the punch or punch someone to the beat?

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Doing my bit for the evolution of the human race by eating lots of carbs and never exercising. We will adapt!

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It’s romantic to fall in love during the collapse of society.

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Sorry I didn’t get you an anniversary card, babe, but you opted in to paperless affection on our third date.

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75% of being a divorce lawyer is just answering emails from clients saying, “No. No. No. You absolutely cannot do that, no.”

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I’m officially at the age where I’m not upgrading my phone until it stops working.