British people be like “It’s Chewsday, innit?”

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Ugh, those red and blue flashing lights are interfering with my driving and scrolling.

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Bag of salad is the boxed wine of vegetables.

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My neighbor won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow.

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You know you’re getting old when you and the grocery store have the same playlist.

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Some people are living proof that brain failure does not immediately lead to death.

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It’s not that I want more shoes, it’s just that they keep making them in my size.

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I suffer from that syndrome where your neutral expression makes it look like you’re an angry serial killer.

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The problem is I am always the problem.

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Hate when I get halfway there and have to go back for my teeth.

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I know how to use an abacus as a tambourine.