Dear phone, if you didn’t light up so many times to tell me you had a low battery, you wouldn’t have died so quickly!

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No matter how busy I am, I still find time to waste on Twitter.

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It seems that after checking my bank account, I need to turn to a life of crime.

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Don’t you hate it when you offer help and the other person says yes?

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An orgy where everyone looks identical is called a doppelgängerbänger.

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Bro, did you seriously just forget about Dre?

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I welcome change as long as nothing is altered or different than before.

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You are why Superman costumes have warning labels telling you the costume won’t make you fly.

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She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”

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The longer I work in corporate, the more I realize… Micromanaging is just insecurity dressed up as leadership.

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Where do I see myself in 5 years? I don’t even know where I am right now.