Despite removing all the stains, I still lost my job as a church window cleaner.

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Sign at the zoo says “don’t stick your hand in the alligator cage”. Thanks, but I’ll do my own research.

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I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.

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Y’all liking my posts feels like a little forehead kiss.

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Life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not.

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The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.

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My boss told me “It’s not rocket science.” Yeah, almost everything that exists is not rocket science.

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I just want a bar where I can pour my own drink, have music at a normal volume, and there are no people, and it’s my house.

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I need to stop saying “Oppa Gagnam Style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation.

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I don’t like to call it a xenomorph — I prefer the term “the alien from Alien.”

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Making fun of bands that only play 3 chords when I don’t even know what a chord is.