Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”

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Don’t flirt with me. I’ll show up at your house and start eating all your snacks.

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The first pyramid scheme was when the Egyptians took credit for the pyramids that were clearly built by aliens.

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I miss the days when our biggest argument was whether West Coast or East Coast rap was better.

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There must be an invisible mechanism on my book. Every time I open it, my husband starts trying to talk to me.

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I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”

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Not leaving the house and not having contact with other people. The punishments of my childhood are now my hobbies.

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Every single bad day happened because I woke up.

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Spilling hot coffee on your lap wakes you up faster than drinking it.

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If you listen to my husband snore, you don’t need Jurassic Park anymore.

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No one suddenly needs anything more than a kid whose mom has just sat down and gotten comfortable.