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New funny quotes: 9848 this month

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Updated: May 25, 2026

 

 

 

 

50 Funny hold quotes

Funny hold quotes 🎭 are the hidden gems of humor that turn waiting on the line into a delightful comedy break 😂. Whether you’re stuck on a call 🎧 or enduring another endless queue, these witty quips offer a sprinkle of laughter 🌟 when you need it most. With their clever twists and cheeky charm, they transform the mundane into a mini stand-up routine 🎤, ensuring you stay entertained while you wait.

I don’t just hold a grudge; I love it, pet it, feed it and take it for long walks on the beach.

Posted onMay 25, 2026

I’m bringing back “hold your horses” and nobody can stop me.

Posted onMay 24, 2026

How about hold me as tight as you’re holding onto that grudge?

Posted onMay 24, 2026

I think I’ma end the year with a plot twist, everyone hold on tight.

Posted onMay 24, 2026

Every gift guide for men is like “A flannel flask to hold your knife flavored whiskey.”

Posted onMay 24, 2026

In high school I was voted “most likely to hold a grudge” and I’m still mad about it.

Posted onMay 24, 2026

Not to brag, but I’m on hold and my call is important to them.

Posted onMay 24, 2026

Hold on, I just need to take off my glasses and put my face in my hands about it first.

Posted onMay 24, 2026

Police officer: please step out of your vehicle. Me: after this song, hold on.

Posted onMay 24, 2026

If there’s no open mouth cougher on the plane they hold the flight until they can find one.

Posted onMay 24, 2026

Rather than touching grass, I recommend going to a concert and experiencing the live performance of that one song you hold religiously close to your heart.

Posted onMay 23, 2026

It’s a shame that you can’t hold people up to the light like banknotes to see whether they are fake or real.

Posted onMay 23, 2026

Isn’t it weird that we have one hand that knows how to do everything and then one hand that just sits there like ‘I don’t know how to hold a pencil.’

Posted onMay 23, 2026

What did parents do before smart phones, hold their babies with two hands or something?

Posted onMay 23, 2026

I think I look pretty okay for my age. It’s just when I hold menus two feet from my face that I know the ruse is up.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?

Posted onMay 22, 2026

Of course women need more pockets, where are we supposed to hold all of our grudges?

Posted onMay 22, 2026

The way some people hold their cell phone to make a call, I always think they’re trying to take a bite out of a sandwich.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

I just want someone who will treat me like a lady and hold the refrigerator door open for me.

Posted onMay 22, 2026

I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

That thing in video games where you have a great item so you hold onto it but never end up using it? Thats me with fruit.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Sorry I slowed down but I had to calculate if the bridge could hold the weight of my car with all the stuffed animals my kids insisted on bringing on vacation.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

I will never trust a cake transport box enough to just hold it by the handle.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

How dare this person in traffic hold me up for seconds on the way to a place that doesn’t require my immediate presence?

Posted onMay 21, 2026

“Slipping in the shower and trying to hold on to the water jet…” Shall I tell you more about myself?

Posted onMay 21, 2026

I don’t know who needs to hear this, but no one in the world is judging you as much as you’re judging yourself. People online: Hold my beer.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

I like it when it’s raining, because I can hold my umbrella really low and it makes everyone headless.

Posted onMay 21, 2026

Life so stupid, I just want a burger and to be held.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Hey cell phone companies who play smooth jazz hold music hoping I’ll lose interest and give up: yeah, it’s kinda working.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

The quickest way to double your money is to hold it in front of a mirror.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Waffles are just pancakes with convenient boxes to hold your syrup.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

“Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Mouse in a conference call: hold on, I’m gonna put you on squeakerphone.

Posted onMay 20, 2026

Moms be like, “I needed this,” and it’s really just a break from being the one who holds it all together every single day.

Posted onMay 19, 2026

I don’t know much about women, but they love containers that hold smaller containers.

Posted onMay 19, 2026

You ever hold an iPhone without a case on it? You can almost feel its eagerness to toss itself onto some pavement.

Posted onMay 18, 2026

And then one day, life was like… hold my beer.

Posted onMay 6, 2026

Sarcastically saying “you’re welcome” to the people who don’t say thank you when I hold the door for them is something I’ll never stop doing.

Posted onApr 1, 2026

I admire how, when babies don’t want to hold something anymore, they just drop it.

Posted onApr 1, 2026

Hold music is annoyingly scratchy and repetitive on purpose, so you will hang up and stop bothering them.

Posted onMar 31, 2026

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