9158 Funny humor quotes

More funny humor quotes 👇

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  5 months ago

  View →: Dinosaurs never had coffee, and we see how that turned out.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Every time your mom tells you that she wants the best for you, she is talking about me.
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  5 months ago

  View →: A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is glucose guardian.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Where do cicadas go when they’re not screaming? I’d like to go there and scream.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Be nice to me, I may be hot one day.
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  5 months ago

  View →: And for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
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  5 months ago

  View →: I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Just knowing that I have to get out of bed tomorrow is already annoying and it’s not even dark yet.
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  5 months ago

  View →: I used to think I was indecisive, but I’m not too sure any more.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Can you imagine how hot I’d be if I ate right and took care of my body? I’m not gonna do it, but can you imagine?
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  5 months ago

  View →: I forgot how to panic. Help!
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  5 months ago

  View →: I don’t jump to conclusions, I cannonball into them like a boss.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Treat me like a joke and I’ll leave you like it’s funny.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
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  5 months ago

  View →: My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum, I thought he might be referencing Pokémon.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Spotify has got it all wrong, the hottest single of the year is me.
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  5 months ago

  View →: If anyone wants a more cost effective energy provider, I can supply endless energy on tap from my absolutely not tired child at bedtime.
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  5 months ago

  View →: I don’t want to adult today, I just want to dog. I’ll be lying down on the floor in the sun, you can pet me and bring me some snacks.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
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  5 months ago

  View →: My phone screen is brighter than my future.
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  5 months ago

  View →: My mind is like my web browser. 19 tabs are open, 3 are frozen and I have no idea where the music is coming from.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Don’t break someone’s heart, they have only one. Break their bones, they have 206 of them.
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  5 months ago

  View →: You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
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  5 months ago

  View →: Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
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  5 months ago

  View →: I would love to change the world, but they won’t give me the source code.
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  5 months ago

  View →: When I take a shower I’m: 5% cleaning myself, 10% singing, 85% making life changing decisions.
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  5 months ago

  View →: What idiot called it Catfishing your Tinder Contacts and not Playing With Matches?
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  5 months ago

  View →: When you’re over 40 and a part of your body starts hurting for no reason that is nature sending a “what ya doing?” text.
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  5 months ago

  View →: Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
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  5 months ago

  View →: I don’t always clear my calculator, but when I do, I hit both C and CE a bunch of times because I don’t know exactly what they do.

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