Have a good weekend, unless you have other plans.

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Trying to eat with my left hand because I need a little excitement in my life.

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Telling men I have a boyfriend doesn’t chase them away anymore, so I’ve started telling them I have a child.

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Caught my son chewing on electrical wires. So, I grounded him. He’s doing better currently and conducting himself properly.

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It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one week of purchase.

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Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.

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Petition to add fitted sheet folding to the olympics.

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“Life is a marathon, not a sprint.” Cool, I dislike both of those things.