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Commentary:
"Ah, the ultimate retirement plan – moving in with your successful kids! 🏠💸 Just make sure they have a big enough couch for you to crash on! 😜🛋️"

afford, children, expectations, family, financial, humor, i, living, move, parenting, things, want

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My doubters will become my grouters when I remodel the bathroom of success.

1 month ago

bathroom, doubter, grouter, humor, i, motivation, remodel, success, wordplay
My mother always told me, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, say nothing at all.” Needless to say, I’m not much of a conversationalist.

1 month ago

advice, always, anything, communication, conversation, conversationalist, humor, me, mother, much, nice, nothing, say, silence, told, witty
Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.

1 month ago

came, creativity, design, humor, name, observation, play, play on words, wallpaper, wit, words
Since I stopped texting first, I haven’t heard from a lot of people in a while.

1 month ago

communication, dating, friendship, humor, i, life, lot, media, message, people, relationship, social, social life, social media, stopped, texting, while
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget, they end up being hidden from me too.

1 month ago

being, end, family, food, forget, forgetfulness, hidden, hiding, humor, i, kid, me, parenting, parenting struggle, problem, snacks, struggle, too
Do beavers even know what they’re doing, or do they just see water flowing down a river and think, “Absolutely not”?

1 month ago

absolutely, animals, beaver, confusion, curiosity, decision, decision making, doing, even, humor, just, know, making, nature, river, think, water

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Welcome to Wordgag! 😉✌️ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. 😂💥

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Someone from 🇭🇷 has downloaded:

Coffee and more coffee is a perfect combo.

Someone from 🇳🇿 has downloaded:

Money enters like Beyoncé and exits like Britney.

Someone from 🇲🇪 has viewed:

I’d be a horrible stalker… I’m always late.

Someone from 🇨🇬 has downloaded:

You look like something I drew with my left hand.

Someone from 🇨🇬 has bookmarked:

Dear unsuccessful applicant, we ultimately decided to split the role between existing staff without paying any of them extra.

Someone from 🇧🇯 has bookmarked:

Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.

Someone from 🇲🇺 has copied:

Bird flu? Yeah, they’re known to do that.

Social Media Log 💫

Just landed via Threads:

Winnie the Pooh had the right idea in this goddam heat. Crop top with his honey pot facing the world.

Breaking via Threads:

You want me to attend a work meeting? The thing that killed Julius Caesar?

Broadcasted on Slack:

The concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. Here’s our little murder doodler.

Just landed via Snapchat:

Is it ‘My wife and I’ or ‘Me and my wife’? Anyway, we just robbed a liquor store.

Just landed via Slack:

I wish it was socially acceptable to DM someone, “Hey, why did you and your partner break up?”

Just landed via Instagram:

The incontinent optimist sees the bladder as half empty.

Seen just now on Reddit:

I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them and suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.

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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

My doubters will become my grouters when I remodel the bathroom of success.

My mother always told me, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, say nothing at all.” Needless to say, I’m not much of a conversationalist.

Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.

The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget, they end up being hidden from me too.

Do beavers even know what they’re doing, or do they just see water flowing down a river and think, “Absolutely not”?

Trending Funny Quotes 📈

I’m starting to think the voice in my head doesn’t like me very much.

TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier.

I wish my Fitbit could track all the steps I’ve taken trying to find where I put it.

Weirdos gonna weird.

I’m very strong, but not in a get a jar open kinda way.

Hot Funny Quotes 🔥

Can’t, I’m raging against the machine.

I’m just going to be hotter. It’s easier than being nicer.

Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my wife to cook at their concert.

I lied, there’s no sex. I just need you to change the batteries in my smoke detectors.

It’s okay to admit you want my lips on yours.

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Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

Coffee doesn’t solve all my problems. But it definitely stops me from constantly creating new ones.

This is the fastest December in the history of all December.

Call me old, but these days I just get excited to go home and lay down.

I don’t really care how you met your partner. Tell me about how you met your nemesis.

I hate when people ask me what I meant by something. Listen, I have no idea. I’m as confused here as you are. We’re both learning what I’m about to say at the exact same time.

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

Your honor, my client doesn’t like jail.

Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid.

My Saturday was going pretty well until I realized it was Sunday.

I feel like we’re all just angry and horny.

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I want my children to have all the things I couldn’t afford. Then I want to move in with them.

Related Funny Posts 🤝

My doubters will become my grouters when I remodel the bathroom of success.

My mother always told me, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, say nothing at all.” Needless to say, I’m not much of a conversationalist.

Whoever came up with the name wallpaper really nailed it.

Since I stopped texting first, I haven’t heard from a lot of people in a while.

The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget, they end up being hidden from me too.

Do beavers even know what they’re doing, or do they just see water flowing down a river and think, “Absolutely not”?

Trending Funny Quotes 📈

Hot Funny Quotes 🔥

Trending Topics 📁

Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

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