I wish British people had subtitles so I knew what they are on about.

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If you wave your keys in front of a giant house, people will think you own it.

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My life advice is always the same. Wait for karma, but take up kickboxing, just in case.

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“New recipe” is code for “less content, but worse ingredients”.

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In my 20s: Jingle all the way. In my 40s: Jingle til around ten.

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Once you find a pair of pants that fit you perfectly, it’s over for all your other pants.

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I’m clumsy but there are upsides. For example, if I finish my chips and I’m sad there’s no more chips, I look in my lap and I always find chips.

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Whoever came up with a 30 minute lunch break needs a 30 minute beating.

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In honor of Charles Dickens, I will also be poor this Christmas.

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I need a massage for my brain.

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Alligators can live up to 100 years which is why there is an increased chance that they will see you later.