It was a complicated 17-hour surgery, but they finally managed to separate the art from the artist.

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If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean?

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First time buying fireworks, and I wasn’t sure I’d picked the right ones until the salesman gave me a wink and high-foured me.

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This is the fastest December in the history of all December.

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Dogs are man’s best friend because a dog would never blindside you with a group chat.

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89% of the time when my husband tells me I look great, what he really means is, “We needed to leave five minutes ago.”

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You can always tell when someone is on a diet by how they scrape every last bit from that yogurt container.

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If you think my heart is cold, you should feel my feet.

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I’m on a spinning rock in outer space, and I have to answer work emails.

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I didn’t mean to mimic your voice, I just had to know what it felt like to sound like that.

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The only way to my heart is with a knife.