Me driving at night: I hope this is the road!

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With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.

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Men be like “I would do anything for you,” and then do nothing.

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It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?

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Don’t forget to overestimate your importance today.

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Mario Kart turned out to be the best training for winter driving.

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Stop blaming everyone for all your problems. Pick one person you hate and blame them for everything.

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Apparently you’re not supposed to announce that there’s been a death in the family every time you kill a houseplant.

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I shouldn’t have to go to work if it’s rainy. I should get to stare out the window all day like a cat.

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I need to stop saying “Oppa Gagnam Style!” to fill in awkward pauses in conversation.

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If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.