My husband refused to get glasses. But that was before he brushed his teeth with fake tan.

Someone from 🇲🇬 has bookmarked:

Nobody at this train station knows that there’s a hole in my sock.

Someone from 🇦🇱 has copied:

If sex was strictly meant for procreation, why did God make it feel so good?

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That moment your alarm clock goes off in the morning and you don’t know whether to get dressed or fake an illness.

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I accidentally relaxed too much, and now I don’t have enough anxiety to get stuff done.

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Just checked my bank account. Looks like everyone’s getting a hug for Christmas.

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I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!

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If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.

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I’m on a spinning rock in outer space, and I have to answer work emails.

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When the client says: “make it pop”, I have to ask myself whether he means my mind or the project.

Someone from 🇱🇦 has copied:

I live in constant fear of being asked to repeat what you just said after I say I’m listening.