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10,000+ funny quotes

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇪🇸 has copied:

Your coworkers are your friends; stop working and hang out.

Someone from 🇬🇦 has shared:

I’m sorry that I’m canceling plans. I made them last week when I assumed that, by now, I’d be a different person.

Someone from 🇬🇼 has viewed:

I’m at the age where I can remember things that never happened.

Someone from 🇸🇴 has bookmarked:

Deleting the paragraph you wrote and texting back “ok” is a different type of self-control.

Someone from 🇧🇿 has bookmarked:

Sometimes a lover girl, sometimes a dinosaur.

Someone from 🇦🇱 has shared:

In my 20’s: I want to find true love. In my 40’s: I just want a toaster that gets me.

Someone from 🇹🇹 has viewed:

FOMO? No, I’ve got FOBI. Fear of being invited.

Someone from 🇧🇴 has viewed:

Hate when people ask “why is it called Silence of the Lambs?” Like, did you hear any lambs during the movie? Use your head!

Someone from 🇬🇾 has shared:

Hit the vape till it tastes like technology.

Someone from 🇧🇹 has copied:

Only a couple more days until I come home and pretend I forgot about Valentine’s Day.

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

790 added this month

Funny Quotes Total

10,952

Funny Quotes Topics

13,923

Funny Quotes Images

10,952

52 minutes ago

3,432

Social Media Log 💫

Just landed via X:

And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony.

Trending via Facebook:

I never used to worry about death but now I’m terrified it will break my winning Wordle streak.

Trending via WeChat:

Uh oh, said somethin’ weird. Better fix it by saying something even weirder.

Seen just now on YouTube:

Nothing humbles you faster than your phone slipping out of your hand and hitting your face.

Spotted on WhatsApp:

“Fries or salad?” sums up every adult decision you have to make.

Live now on Instagram:

In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy. High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.

Shared recently on Telegram:

I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton.

Trending via LinkedIn:

I want to be rich enough where I’m not offended by the price of beef jerky.

Spotted on Telegram:

Sometimes the best thing about my job is that my chair turns.

Live now on Reddit:

I laugh at my own jokes because I am my target audience. Y’all just happen to be there.

Home » Funny Today Quotes

195 Funny today quotes

Funny today quotes are perfect for those moments when you realize that “today” is just full of unexpected hilarity! 😅📅 Whether it’s the everyday struggles that become laughable or the little surprises that make your day, these quotes remind us that each day is a chance to find humor in the chaos. Here’s to making today as funny as possible! 😂🎉⏳

New funny today quotes 👇

2 days ago
Share →: Today I was in a taxi, and the taxi driver said, “I love my job. I am my own boss, nobody tells me what to do!” Then I said, “Turn left.”

Commentary:
That's a quick way to show him who's really in charge! 😂🚖👌
4 days ago
Share →: Coffee ain’t gonna cut it today, I need to be chased through the woods by a machete-wielding maniac.

Commentary:
Looks like caffeine has met its match—initiating survival cardio mode! ☕️🏃‍♂️💀
6 days ago
Share →: Today, I noticed that the cover of my ironing board was wrinkled, and I laughed at the irony. Then I laughed again because of the word “irony.”

Commentary:
That's one wrinkled board that's giving Alanstis Morissette a run for her money! 😂✨ #IronyOnAnotherLevel
6 days ago
Share →: Making a record-breaking number of bad choices today, I’m really proud of myself.

Commentary:
Congratulations on your new personal best in decision-making Olympics! 🏆🤪🎉
7 days ago
Share →: Missed garbage day today, if you’re looking for a bad boy that doesn’t play by the rules.

Commentary:
Being a rebel, one trash day at a time! 🗑️😎🦸‍♂️
1 week ago
Share →: Today, I’m wearing pink to raise awareness for people like me who forget to separate their red laundry from their whites.

Commentary:
😂👚 "Supporting an accidental new fashion line: 'Oops, It's Pink!' Let's make laundry mix-ups trend!" 👗🧺
1 week ago
Share →: My plans for today? Same as always: drink coffee and be sexy.

Commentary:
"Looks like it's time to caffeinate and captivate! ☕😉 #EverydayGoals"
1 week ago
Share →: I got called “pretty” today! Well, the full sentence was “You’re pretty annoying,” but I only focus on the positive things.

Commentary:
"Always knew I was a 'pretty' big deal! 😎✨ #PositivityChampion"
1 week ago
Share →: I’m looking forward to tomorrow. It’ll be much like today, but different enough to confuse me.

Commentary:
"Every day is a new puzzle piece, and I still haven't found the edge pieces! 🧩😅✨"
1 week ago
Share →: If anything goes wrong today, just dramatically whisper, “The prophecy has been fulfilled,” and walk away.

Commentary:
"When the printer jams again: 🤫🔮 'The prophecy has been fulfilled,' and exit stage left! 👋😂"

For even more funny today quotes, check out the next page, if available 👇

All funny today quotes & images can be used for free for non-commercial purposes 👌

New Funny Quotes

Random Funny Quotes

Welcome to Wordgag! 😉✌️ Enjoy endless laughter with our collection of funny quotes guaranteed to crack you up. 😂💥

Trending Funny Quotes 📈

Hot Funny Quotes 🔥

Trending Topics 📁

Funny Quotes Data 🤓

New Funny Quotes

790 added this month

Funny Quotes Total

10,952

Funny Quotes Topics

13,923

Funny Quotes Images

10,952

52 minutes ago

3,424

Funny Quotes of the Month 🚀

Funny Quotes of the Year ⭐

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇳🇴 has viewed:

I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.

Someone from 🇳🇱 has copied:

If I’m ever in a coma, please put chapstick on my lips.

Someone from 🇺🇸 has copied:

If you listen closely, you can hear me not caring.

Someone from 🇳🇴 has shared:

“Comparison is the thief of joy!” Well, not if you’re better than everyone else.

Someone from 🇬🇲 has bookmarked:

“Winter is literally the best season.” Okay, husky, go sit outside then.

Someone from 🇲🇼 has downloaded:

“I asked ChatGPT.” Okay, well, I asked Jesus Christ of Nazareth.

Someone from 🇮🇸 has bookmarked:

Accidentally clicked a post about UFOs, and now my Facebook algorithm thinks I’m a much different person.

Someone from 🇨🇴 has copied:

“You should exercise for at least 30 minutes every day”. Okay, and how much if you’re not trying to go to the Olympics?

Someone from 🇺🇾 has copied:

My new diet plan is to hibernate and live off all this fat I’ve accumulated.

Someone from 🇵🇪 has shared:

Watching women’s tennis and getting angry at the net. We shouldn’t put needless obstacles in the way of women.

Social Media Log 💫

Just landed via Telegram:

Sleeping is nice, because you’re not actually dead and you’re not awake, so its a win-win situation.

Going viral on Reddit:

I get most of my exercise these days from shaking my head in disbelief.

Seen just now on Slack:

I’m so thankful I live on the planet that has pizza.

Making waves on Twitch:

If you are lonely, dim all lights and put on a horror movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore.

Live now on Slack:

My Facebook friends are like my pen collection. I have 100 but only one writes.

Spotted on Discord:

I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.

Breaking via WhatsApp:

Getting out of bed should count as resistance training.

Freshly posted on Twitch:

Grandmas be like: Imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings.

Making waves on YouTube:

Convinced my kid her harmonica didn’t work because the instructions were missing.

Trending via Discord:

I need a stunt double for when I’m navigating my way to the bathroom at night.

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