One of the benefits of being my friend is that you can come to my house in your pajamas, no make-up, and look like crap and I won’t judge you.

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People that I dislike shouldn’t be allowed to consume the media that I like.

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Everyone you know is fighting battles you don’t know about, except for my neighbor who just can not shut up about his battles.

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At 20, I was unstoppable; at 30, I’m just unstartable.

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You cannot trust me at a zoo because I’ll release the animals.

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I’m so single. When they ask me for an emergency contact, I put the neighbor’s dog.

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I only accept apologies in cash.

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“Likes your story” is a declaration of love.