Out of sheer boredom, I opened the front door and rang the doorbell. I was so happy.

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I wish I was a moose. No work, no school, just eating grass and wrecking cars.

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Nutrition labels should include an “What if I ate the whole thing” section.

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Having a good heart has done nothing but made me look stupid.

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World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.

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Sorry, I’m late. I took a walk around the world to ease my troubled mind.

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If only my bank balance was as high as my daily calorie intake.

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I used to judge cat owners for giving in to their pets’ whims too easily, but holy shit, these animals are relentless and would starve themselves to organ failure just because one time, weeks ago, they had a taste of some ‘better’ food.