Porn actresses envy the look on my face when I clean my ear with a cotton bud.

Someone from 🇱🇨 has copied:

Buying new glasses this week, so a whole bunch of you are about to get a whole lot uglier.

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I really don’t believe all of these women are actually named “Sassy”

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Life is just a series of Sopranos references with some other things mixed in.

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I wish I had the confidence of someone who would let themselves be tattooed in a place they can’t see.

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Me, with $33 left after paying bills: Let’s see how much a Land Rover costs.

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I don’t hate you. I just don’t like that you exist.

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The only thing stopping cheesecake from being a breakfast food is you.

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Back in my day there was so much toilet paper and so much eggs that we gathered at night and threw them at the houses of our enemies.

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Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

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Addicted to bad posture. Omggg, why is it so comfortable to give yourself scoliosis?