Snaccident: eating a whole bag of Doritos in one sitting.

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When I quit my job I’m setting one last OOO message that just says “your email will never find me again”

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You think you’re raising your kids right, and then one of them decides to be a fan of your football team’s arch rival.

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I don’t expect everything handed to me, just set it down outside my door.

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Blood pressure too high to chase these hoes.

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Did you get that psychic damage I sent you?

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I read classics because my FOMO is making me want to understand every reference ever.

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Sitting with my legs really wide to experiment with gender.

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I’m not enjoying this slow-burn apocalypse. I need it over and done like a popular Netflix show.

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My toxic trait is that I give my friends mental health advice when I belong in an asylum.

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Santa: “Don’t leave me milk. Leave me whiskey.”