Some people stay in the past because that’s where they peaked.

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My neighbor said he heard me having sex today but it was just me standing in front of my air conditioner.

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Today marks a five year anniversary of how I’ll start going to the gym tomorrow.

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When your kids embarrass you in public, the only way out is to turn away in disgust and mutter loudly, “Who raised you?”

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By my second “could we change the subject?” I could feel the job interview going south.

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If Dracula had a cat, she’d be the one sleeping in the coffin.

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Have you ever been sitting around overthinking about overthinking, and then wonder why you’re even thinking that?

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Imagine being social on social media.