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Just got new walking shoes—perfect for dodging human furniture! 🚶♀️🛋️😄
72 Funny past quotes
“Just be yourself”—that has gotten me mixed results in the past.
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Being myself has led to a few victories, a few awkward dance moves, and at least one restraining order 😂🤦♂️🕺
I miss the old days back in 1955, when I didn’t exist.
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Reminiscing about the good old days when I was a twinkle in my grandma's eye 😆✨ #ThrowbackThursday
Saying “This reminds me of my early work,” as I walk past a Rothko.
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Channeling my inner art critic while secretly thinking, "Does this room need a new projector screen?" 🎨🤣
New York is so awesome. Like, yes, let’s spend $108 for breakfast and walk past homeless people freezing.
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"NYC: Where you pay gourmet prices for scrambled eggs and a side of existential crisis 🍳💸🥶"
You’re never too old to shout, “Mooooo,” when you drive past some cows.
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Mooo-ving proof that staying young at heart is udderly irresistible! 🐮🚗😂
The amount of sleeping I’ve done over the past few days has been phenomenal. I genuinely love doing absolutely nothing.
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Sleeping Olympics gold medalist right here! 😴🥇 #ProNapAthlete
I simply accept my extreme loneliness as punishment for something I did in a past life, and don’t worry about it.
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Embracing my solo adventures like a pro—clearly, I was a real troublemaker in a past life! 😜🤷♂️ #KarmaStrikesAgain
When it gets past my bedtime, I get so scared.
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Sounds like you've got a bedtime boogeyman 😱😂 #SleepyScaries 😴👻
Having to confirm your past purchases over the phone with your bank’s fraud department is a truly harrowing moment of self-examination for chronic little treat buyers.
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It’s all fun and games until the bank knows you too well: "Did you really need 37 cat-themed mugs?" 🐱🛒📞