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10,000+ funny quotes

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Someone from 🇧🇹 has shared:

Sorry, can’t. I’m too busy growing new neural pathways to make space for a stranger’s opinion. Evolution takes bandwidth, man.

Someone from 🇦🇿 has downloaded:

30s: Oh look, a dance floor! 50s: Oh look, a couch!

Someone from 🇲🇺 has bookmarked:

Stop using ChatGPT. I can feed you misinformation too and I’m also beautiful and funny sometimes.

Someone from 🇨🇿 has copied:

Honestly, how women are drawn in a manga is typically (though not always) a good clue for what demographic a manga series is.

Someone from 🇸🇮 has downloaded:

Can we get some A.I. to pick plastic out of the ocean, or do all the robots need to be poets?

Someone from 🇸🇮 has copied:

The grass is only greener on the other side because of all the bullshit on it.

Someone from 🇮🇹 has viewed:

I think my boss is delusional; he keeps shaking his head and calls me Jesus Christ.

Someone from 🇪🇹 has downloaded:

Gordon Ramsay is only funny because he’s not talking to me like that.

Someone from 🇱🇺 has copied:

I’m now at the age where happy hour is a nap.

Someone from 🇭🇳 has viewed:

All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.

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Funny Quotes Total

15,753

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17,766

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15,753

Updated

Feb 3, 2026

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3,703

Social Media Log 💫

Spreading quickly via Twitch:

Stop roasting yourself, you’re not a marshmallow.

Seen just now on Discord:

Sometimes the universe puts you in the same situations again to see if you’re still an idiot.

Broadcasted on Discord:

“It’s bikini season,” I whisper, eating another bikini.

Going viral on Reddit:

If hot showers aren’t good for you then why do I emerge from them bright red like a beautiful ruby?

Going viral on Facebook:

You can’t argue with me because I’ll just agree with you until you leave.

Shared recently on Reddit:

When I said there’s no such thing as a dumb question, I didn’t expect them to take it as a personal challenge.

Seen just now on Threads:

It’s so funny how every true crime documentary eventually devolves into a story about how the police botched the entire investigation.

Just shared via Twitch:

I wish laying in bed all day made me rich.

Shared recently on Twitch:

Ugh, those red and blue flashing lights are interfering with my driving and scrolling.

Just shared via Reddit:

I’m not accepting the bare minimum; I need you to shake it to the max.

The biggest difference between my toddler and me is that if I had poop on my butt, that’d be priority #1.

2 days ago

Funny Quotes

Funny quote about parenting humor and messy moments with a playful vibe.

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Commentary:
Looks like we've found the secret to toddler priorities! 🍼🚽😂

1, butt, childhood, difference, humor, hygiene, i, me, parent, parenting, poop, priority, toddler

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51 shares on X this month:

Hello taxi, off to Friday please. Money doesn’t matter!

75 shares on Instagram this month:

Why do men stay in the car for minutes after arriving home?

80 shares on Messenger this month:

A man outside Boots told me that Jesus died for my sins. Thanks for spoiling the end of the Bible. I was only up to the bit with the fish.

38 shares on YouTube this month:

Not to brag but there are so many movies out there that have watched me sleep.

70 shares on Snapchat this month:

My ex texted me saying, “Hey, I miss you,” so I replied, “Sorry, I have zero bars — the past doesn’t have good reception.”

82 shares on Snapchat this month:

The Playstation is broken and the child has noticed that I live here too.

37 shares on Reddit this month:

A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.

42 shares on X this month:

Pretending to be a well-adjusted, functioning adult is so exhausting.

95 shares on Messenger this month:

Tons of names in my phones are “Kenny Landlord,” “Mike Electric,” or “Pete Do Not Answer,” and I just realized this is how Anglo surnames have always worked.

59 shares on Slack this month:

Snaccident: eating a whole bag of Doritos in one sitting.

Activity Log ✨

Someone from 🇹🇬 has shared:

And for my next trick, I’m going to miss you in a million unspoken ways.

Someone from 🇸🇨 has copied:

If I’m too quiet you can rest assured I’m in the process of planning my sweet escape or your equally sweet demise.

Someone from 🇦🇸 has downloaded:

My sleeping cycle is completely backwards. In the morning I feel sleepy and at night I can’t fall asleep.

Someone from 🇧🇧 has bookmarked:

I probably never die because I don’t finish anything without a specific deadline.

Someone from 🇲🇪 has downloaded:

Adulthood is really discovering half your family is mentally ill.

Someone from 🇨🇷 has shared:

You told your cat how much you love him, but now it’s morning, the sun is out, you’re sober, and it’s just weird for both of you.

Someone from 🇲🇲 has shared:

I’m not worried about WWIII. I’ve been feeding a crow army for three years.

Someone from 🇲🇳 has downloaded:

Opening the web before 9am is crazy. Like, did you even try to have a good day?

Someone from 🇹🇱 has copied:

50 shades of single.

Someone from 🇧🇭 has downloaded:

Don’t forget to make everything about you today.

Social Media Log 💫

Just shared via YouTube:

Ancient Egyptians used to worship cats and write on walls, a practice we still continue to do today on the Internet.

Just shared via TikTok:

I’ve learned the best way to find something that I’ve lost is to buy a replacement one, to make the lost one spontaneously appear.

Just shared via Snapchat:

Love how you can hear the crowd constantly forgetting the queen died and singing “God save the Quing”

Trending via Instagram:

Stop using ChatGPT. I can feed you misinformation too and I’m also beautiful and funny sometimes.

Freshly posted on Pinterest:

Men who tell their woman she’s pretty, for no particular reason, keep that shit up.

Spotted on Snapchat:

I’d rather lose you than the argument.

Just landed via Slack:

“You have reached your monthly article limit,” – a website you’ve never accessed before today.

Live now on Reddit:

Don’t let the fact that I’m deeply unserious distract you from the fact that you’re in the presence of a genius.

Just shared via Facebook:

The money I made gradually, you need urgently?

Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

The biggest difference between my toddler and me is that if I had poop on my butt, that’d be priority #1.

Walking on egg shells? In this economy?

My favorite part of my workday is when I grab my shit and leave.

“You’re so quick to cut someone off!” God forbid a girl actually has self-respect.

Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons and a big check.

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers. The Times are rough.

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Wordgag ツ

Activity Log ✨

The biggest difference between my toddler and me is that if I had poop on my butt, that’d be priority #1.

Keep the laugh going 😂

Walking on egg shells? In this economy?

My favorite part of my workday is when I grab my shit and leave.

You should be able to like an email instead of replying to it.

“You’re so quick to cut someone off!” God forbid a girl actually has self-respect.

Don’t ring my doorbell unless you’re accompanied by a camera crew and holding balloons and a big check.

I ran out of toilet paper so I had to start using old newspapers. The Times are rough.

Social Media Stars ⭐

Trending Topics 📁

Activity Log ✨