42 funny toddler quotes - Wordgag

“I’ve never done parkour, but I have chased a toddler with an open Sharpie through the house.”

May 30, 2026

Being a toddler’s favorite person is what real love actually looks like.

May 30, 2026

A toddler can do more in one unsupervised minute than most people can do all day.

May 30, 2026

Toddlers: the brutally honest roommates nobody asked for!

May 30, 2026

Nobody is more cold-blooded than a toddler, just saying what they see and feel.

May 30, 2026

Babies will literally step on your face just to grab what they want.

May 30, 2026

The biggest difference between my toddler and me is that if I had poop on my butt, that’d be priority #1.

May 29, 2026

Nobody declines a call faster than a 3-year-old watching YouTube.

May 29, 2026

I admire how, when babies don’t want to hold something anymore, they just drop it.

May 29, 2026

My toddler asked if we could go to the zoo today, and I said, “I can’t see that happening.” Then she literally left the room and came back with my glasses.

May 28, 2026

I know it’s bad, and you’ve got to shut it down right away, but is there anything more hilarious than a swearing toddler?

May 28, 2026

Being a parent means hearing a noise at 3 a.m. and hoping it’s just a ghost and not your toddler getting up again.

May 28, 2026

If my toddler doesn’t sleep again tonight, I’m running away into the forest.

May 28, 2026

Age regressing by coughing like a toddler, with my tongue out.

May 27, 2026

The opposite of “taking candy from a baby” is “putting sunscreen on a toddler.”

May 27, 2026

Hell hath no fury like a toddler who lost the chance to push a button.

May 27, 2026

Having a toddler is wild. I’m getting breaking news about Peppa Pig.

May 26, 2026

A narcissist wants the authority of a king while having the accountability of a toddler.

May 26, 2026

I would just once like to feel as powerful as a toddler throwing their sippy cup whilst sitting atop their high chair.

May 25, 2026

I love when toddlers passionately talk to you about absolutely nothing.

May 25, 2026

Nobody told me that it takes 1-2 business days to put a snow outfit on a toddler.

May 25, 2026

A toddler in their “why” phase makes you realize how little you know.

May 24, 2026

Skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. That’s the toddler injury.

May 23, 2026

Toddlers are like puppies, they don’t care if they’re dirty and smelly and they both have an affinity exploring the trash bin.

May 23, 2026

The toddler refers to every baby as Baby [Name], like Baby is their formal title.

May 23, 2026

In the autumn there are two types of creatures who collect acorns: squirrels and toddlers.

May 23, 2026

Someone in their late 20s giving advice to someone in their early 20s is exactly like when a toddler is obsessed with a newborn.

May 23, 2026

Sometimes my toddler throws stuff on the floor and then shouts “OH NO” and that’s kind of like what politicians do.

May 23, 2026

I’m planning to save money on Christmas gifts this year by wrapping up all the toys my toddler dropped behind the couch.

May 23, 2026

Sorry I said your toddler should be in commercials for birth control.

May 22, 2026

If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.

May 22, 2026

Today’s toddlers can switch on laptops and use apps. When I was little, I ate sand.

May 21, 2026

The more I parent the more convinced I am that the ears on toddlers are purely for decoration.

May 21, 2026

Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped.

May 21, 2026

Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.

May 21, 2026

Non-parents be like: I would simply instruct the toddler to do something he doesn’t want to do, and he would obey.

May 20, 2026

Toddlers be like, we can do this the hard way or the harder way.

May 20, 2026

I wish I loved anything as much as my two year old loves pulling my pants down.

May 20, 2026

Toddlers: I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now.

May 20, 2026

A two-year old is kind of like having a blender, but you don’t have a top for it.

May 20, 2026