The difference between a Lamborghini and a dead body is that I don’t have a Lamborghini in my garage.

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I think I’ll spend my savings on a lifetime supply of pasta. Worth every penne.

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I hate when I go to the kitchen looking for food, and all I find is ingredients.

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If my wife doesn’t win anything on this $2 scratch ticket, it’s going to go down as one of the worst birthday presents ever.

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Not pretty enough for Instagram, not funny enough for Twitter. Welcome to WhatsApp status.

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Cicadas are all like, “Y’all mind if I scream?”

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The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble.

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I will play my favorite song until the artist comes out of my phone to ask for water.

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You’re never alone. There’s mold.

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I hate how everything is organic now. I miss chemicals.

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I’m changing the game. I’m starting to thank people from the top of my heart.