Commentary:
Oh, the adults table – where seasoned pros in the art of loud debates and passionate discussions gather to show off their tantrum-free skills! 🍽️👶💥 #DinnerDrama #AdultingLikeAPro
New funny quotes ✨
Commentary:
"Apologies, I am currently booked solid avoiding responsibilities as the horrors of reality keep knocking on my door like unwanted salespeople 🚪👻 #NotTodayReality #ProcrastinationGameStrong"
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- Unfortunately, the movie you want to watch is unavailable on your 13 streaming services. You can rent it for $2.99 though.
- Be the reason why a count unleashes ancient horrors onto the world when he thinks of you.
- We should all start texting each other like old time explorers. ‘Dearest friend, I have survived another week. The horrors persist.’
- Hello, my voicemail is currently unavailable. To leave a message please speak slowly and clearly into the nearest toaster.
- Sometimes I’ll call in, disguise my voice, and insist on speaking to me, or I’ll take my business elsewhere.

It sucks when you realize it’s only Thursday, until you realize it’s Wednesday.
Commentary:
"Realizing it's only Thursday: 😩 Realizing it's actually Wednesday: 😂 Plot twist level: expert! Remember folks, sometimes mid-week confusion can lead to mid-week joy! 🎉 #WednesdayVibes"
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- I was really happy about it being Friday until I realized it was only Wednesday.
- I was having a great Friday until I found out it was Thursday.
- Nothing messes up your Friday like realizing it’s only Thursday.
- Not only is it not Friday, but it’s not even Thursday.
- I just finished cleaning the house for Thanksgiving, so if you’re looking for my family they’ll be in the backyard until Thursday.

Your call is really important to us but first enjoy this clarinet number for the next seventy five minutes.
Commentary:
🎷🤣 "Attention, attention! Your call is so important to us that we've decided to serenade you with an epic clarinet performance. Get ready for an unforgettable seventy-five minute musical journey… or until we remember you're still waiting on the line! 😉🎶 #HoldMusicGoals #CustomerServiceChill"
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- “Your call is very important to us. Please stay on the line until your call is no longer important to you.”
- Spotify: enjoy the next 30 minutes commercial free. Also Spotify: we have no concept of time.
- Your call is very important to us, here’s six days of irritating music.
- Not to brag, but I’m on hold and my call is important to them.
- I now have Taylor Swift as my alarm. Now I always wake up five minutes earlier so I don’t have to listen to it.

A weighted blanket isn’t enough today, I need to be compressed into a zip-file.
Commentary:
"Feeling the pressure much? 🤣 Maybe it's time to upgrade from a blanket to a USB stick for that extra zip-file compression! 💾💤 #TechNapGoals"
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- I need a weighted blanket that won’t let me get out of bed in the morning.
- I prefer my weighted blanket in human form.
- Who needs a weighted blanket when you’ve got the weight of the world?
- Save tons of money on a weighted blanket by sleeping under the mattress.
- Women’s fall fashion is basically coming up with ways to wear a blanket without it looking like you’re wearing a blanket.
Commentary:
Chuck Norris doesn't make fires, fires make Chuck Norris 🔥🔥💪#ChuckNorrisFacts
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- Chuck Norris passed his driving test on foot.
- I hate when flies rub their disgusting little hands together. What could you possibly be plotting? You can’t even get out of the open window.
- I got fired from my job at the massage parlor. No specific reason, apparently I just rub people the wrong way.
- Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
- Don’t rub your happiness in people’s faces this Valentine’s Day. Let the couples enjoy themselves for once.
Commentary:
"Ah, the classic 'opposite psychology' approach. Bold move, Cotton! Let's see if it pays off for him. 🤨🤔😆 #SmoothOperator"
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- So many true crime podcasts are just like “a young woman went missing, the police took a week to respond, she was last seen with a man the community call Creepy Steve, he has never been questioned”
- I’d be less aggressive in the morning if I could drive to work in a tank.
- The urge to pee in the morning is so aggressive. Bro, like, chill we’re getting there. Don’t threaten to come out.
- I sent you a message telepathically and you didn’t respond. Are you mad at me?
- Every app is a dating app if you are creepy enough.
Commentary:
"Better watch out, folks! 🔥🐉 Looks like someone's determined to make a fiery entrance into the dragon-slaying business! Time to toast some marshmallows and prepare for the epic showdown! 😂🔥"
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- Deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon).
- Waiting for toast to toast takes forever unless you walk away for 10 seconds, then it burns.
- My attempts to purge my possessions always seem to result in me rediscovering that I have lots of nice things, after which I lie happily on my hoard like a dragon.
- I talk a lot of shit for someone who is startled by my own toast popping up while I’m watching it. Every. Single. Time.
- No, I mean, it’s great toast. I just didn’t expect it to be French.
Commentary:
"Chuck Norris passed his driving test on foot 🚶🚗 Who needs a car when you're a legend like Chuck?"
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas.
- Having to pee when you’re driving is problematic. Having to sneeze when you’re driving is even more problematic.
- Most guys probably just have a foot fetish because their first girlfriend was a sock.
- A man’s home is his castle, but his garage is his sanctuary.
- Just got my test results back and my cholesterol level is a cheese bratwurst.
Commentary:
"Apologies for overestimating the commonness of sense… 🤦♂️ Next time, I'll lower my expectations to 'barely-there sense' level! 🤪"
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it most never use it.
- The downside of common sense is, having to deal with those that lack it.
- Common sense is so rare these days that it should be considered a superpower.
- Love it when you say or do some common sense thing and the other person has “file not found” written all over their face.
- Never get in between a girl and her fries. It’s just common sense really.
Commentary:
Ah, the classic male ritual of affirming authority over life's trivial matters by cinching those trousers higher 😂👖💪 It's the ultimate power move in the world of fashion and decision-making!
Related Funny Quotes 🤝
- I’ve just found my wide pants again. They weren’t gone at all, they’re just my tight pants now.
- All pants are tear away pants if you’re strong enough.
- Police cars should play ice cream truck music when they’re pulling you over for something minor.
- I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
- Wiping my hands on my pants before I’m shaking someone’s hand, so they spend the rest of the day wondering what I just touched.