The light at the end of the tunnel is only the headlight of the oncoming train.

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Only two things are certain: death, and Princess Diana’s face on at least one grocery store magazine.

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I wish I had the determination of my wife, who’s still flipping through radio stations as we pull into our driveway.

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That pile of clothes on my bed, seems to have strange powers and gets higher on its own.

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Sitting with my legs really wide to experiment with gender.

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I’d like to meet the person who decided that if you wanted to get married fast, it had to be done by Elvis.

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The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them.

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Mike is short for Micycle.

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People can’t drive you crazy if you don’t give them the keys.

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Hey, we’re calling off the search party. We found a different guy out there we like more.

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Coffee, because I don’t have time for a manslaughter charge.