The older I get, the more I understand why Grumpy Old Men exist.

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They’re making me do work at work.

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Jackie Chan used to say “I don’t want trouble“ and then break everybody’s legs.

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90% of my thoughts start with: “What can I eat now?”

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Please, Tinder, add AI to your app. I don’t want to be involved in the modern dating experience. Let a robot do it for me. Let the machines suffer in our place.

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My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice.

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Some people are like clouds. When they go away it’s much better.

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Professor, set the time machine for right now. I’m trying to be more present.

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I’m a “I have an appointment later, so I can’t do anything else for the rest of the day” kind of person.

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According to the web, caffeine deficiency is a life threatening condition for people around you.

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Nothing is hungrier than a Roomba that sees a charger cord.