The only downside to dating hot men is that when it ends, he’s still hot.

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I’m so cold, I wish I could get in the dryer.

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I have so much planned today that I was already tired thinking of it yesterday.

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All dogs go to heaven, but I never see them in church.

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So you mean to tell me a stress ball is not for throwing at people who stress you out?

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The volume of my TV is 100% dependent on what I’m currently chewing on.

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A little mystery is the sweetest seduction.

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Sleeping in is the most efficient way to find out which morning rituals you can actually do without.

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I identify as a weather forecast: Anything’s possible.

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Bowling: The most fun you can have wearing someone else’s shoes.

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Weddings should have a worst man.