Welcome to middle age: your chin looks lonely; here’s another one.

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Who’s up thinking about the crushing weight of existence?

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I know you miss me. The tarot lady on TikTok just told me.

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The older I get, the less surprised I’d be if a random body part just fell off one day.

Someone from 🇼🇸 has downloaded:

You truly don’t realize how young 20 is until you’re not 20 anymore.

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They are all liars, so just pick the tallest and enjoy.

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That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to bounce off 3 walls, knock over a lamp, and land on the floor.

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I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.

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I’m at the age where a house arrest no longer sounds like the worst thing.

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Adulthood is just waking up tired one day, and then being tired forever after that.

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Are you there, bathroom walls, ceiling, floor, mirror, sink, and towels? It’s me, the kids toothpaste.